No word of a lie, my house has just shook......a bloody earthquake in deepest Rotherham???

Scared the shit out of me

Enjoy!!

...since I blogged proper!!!

Ok it is

My laptop is buggered and sitting in the dining room at the end of a long day at work doesn't "do it" for me. I also have developed a strange addiction called "facebook" and am enjoying poking and being poked on a regular basis....you know who you are!!!

Well..in a nutshell....

Dad....ok....one of his 9 lives, looking healthy and attending the pub three nights a week....thanks to his driver

Family...all ok, me n Lee are like ships that pass in the night, but at least no time to argue. Abi has almost mastered the "crank it" Soulja Boy dance. If in doubt check You Tube....these things are improtant to a girl!

Work...I have been promoted just means I get paid more for being yelled at.....but hey ho!!! Horror stories to follow as friends only!!!

Am looking forward to May....trip to London and BLOG MEET!!!

Anyhoo....... Hope all are well

Woohoo!!! Didya know I featured in the line up of DavidJohn's photo comp????

Check me out AJ !!!

OK...I suppose for some it is Saturday but I ain't been to bed yet so still Friday here!

What five things are you grateful for today and why?

1. That I got the call from my dad to take him to the pub....a sign he's still fighting!

2. A little boy in London, taking time to chat to nannan on the phone while his little sister was busy listening to gangster rap.....distance doesn't mean he forgets me

3. That I was able to work all day....after being off ill for 10 months I am grateful for every day I continue to work

4. That my daughter and her two friends came here, dressed up......good they choose here than hanging around on the streets

5. Blog.co.uk and my friends here......no matter how shit I am at blogging...you are all still here with your support!

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemedto put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch

This is video taken by dicks on the estate I am working on, and posted on You Tube with pride

Every Friday Landers gives us five questions to answer. Here's mine

1. What would be the contents of your perfect pie?

Meat & Potato....with Hendersons

2. Lift your eyes from the screen - what's the first thing you see and how did it get there?

The TV....we bought it from Makro and brought it home in our car

3. What, if anything, would you like to get rid of in your life and why?

The ugly fat I carry.........obvious reasons!

4. If you were building your own house what one room would you include that you don't have now?

A pool room

5. When you were little people asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Does your answer then match what you do now?

I wanted to work in a bank or be Paul Weller's bitch.....so no!!

Close your eyes and go back in time...

Before the Internet...

Before semi-automatics, joy-riders and crack....

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

Way back........

I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.
The corner shop,
Hopscotch,
Butterscotch,
Skipping,
Handstands,
Football with an old can,
Fingerbob.

Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the Menace.

Roly-Poly.
Hula Hoops, jumping the stream, building dams.
The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.
Bazooka Joe bubble gum.

An ice cream cone, on a warm summer night from the van that plays a
tune.
Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps
screwball.

Wait......

Watching Saturday morning cartoons, short commercials or the flicks.
Children's Film Foundation, The Double Deckers, Red Hand Gang, Tomorrow
People, Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why Don't You'? - or staying up for
Doctor Who.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like
going somewhere.

Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.
Sticky fingers.
Playing Marbles. Ball bearings. Big 'uns and Little 'uns.
Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.
Climbing trees.
Making igloos out of snow banks.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.
Spinning around on roundabouts, getting dizzy and falling down was cause
for giggles.
Being tired from playing....remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Choppers and Grifters.

Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops. Vimto and Jubbly lollies

Remember when...

There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green
Flash The only time you wore them at School was for P.E.
And they were called gym shoes or if you are older - plimsoles .... or
daps..

You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas Eve.

When 25p was decent pocket money ...... but we called them shillings
Curly Whirlys. Space Dust. Toffo's.
Top Trumps.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to
carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought anything of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate
that awaited a misbehaving pupil at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of
drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc.

Parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat and some of us are
still afraid of them.

Didn't that feel good?

Just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

Remember when....

Decisions were made by going "Ip, Dip, Dog Sh t"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was germs.
And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one.

It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.

Nobody was prettier than Mum.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest
protectors.

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their grown life...

I am sending this important email to all my male friends hoping that they read and heed before the little women sees it.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the country club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or
so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out in the evening is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she
really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.

Signed Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Dunlop extra long 50-inch Super-Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.