There was a school hall full of Yorkshire women all being given an exercise lesson by Jane Fonda.
"O.K., ladies. Hands on thighs!"
As one, every woman moved her hands and a voice at the back said "What good's that, then? I can't see 'er now!"

A man goes to the vet because his cat is poorly. The vet says "Is it a tom?" and the man says "Nay lad, 'ah've got it 'ere in t'basket!"

A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'

A Yorkshire farmer went into a jewellers shop in Harrogate. He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".

Hazardous Materials Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Discoverer : Adam
Atomic Mass : Accepted at 55 kg but known to vary from 45 kg to 225 kg
Occurrence : Large quantities found in urban areas, with trace elements in other areas

Physical Properties
Surface usually covered in powder and paint film
Boils at nothing, also, freezes for no apparent reason
Melts if given special treatment
Bitter if used incorrectly
Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material to common one
Chemical Properties
Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
Explodes spontaneously without warning or reason
Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water
Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol
The most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common Uses
Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars
Can be a great aid to relaxation

Tests
Pure specimens turn bright pink when discovered in a natural state
Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen

God was bored and went missing for six days. The Archangel Gabriel found him resting on the seventh day.
"What have You been up to?" he said.

"I've created the planet Earth and it will be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" said Gabriel.

God explained.

North America would be wealthy and South America would be poor. "Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there a continent of black people."

God talked of different countries.

"That one will be hot and that one will be covered with ice."

Gabriel was impressed and pointed to an area in England and said: "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That is Yorkshire, the most glorious place on Earth. There will be beautiful lakes, streams, rivers and hills, great music, architecture, and sporting giants. The people from Yorkshire will be modest, intelligent and witty. They will be sociable, hard working and high achievers. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and peace-makers."

Gabriel gasped in admiration, thought for a moment, and said: "But what about balance, God? You said there will be balance."

"Ah," said God, nodding sagely, "let me tell you about Lancashire..."

Gits!

I'm sure bill next door is building an ark, or chopping wood for the fire!?!?

Despite avoiding the weather all day I now HAVE to venture out. Abi has Karate at 6pm and if last night is anything to go by I won't see Lee till late (bloody car drivers, crashing breaking down and putting the wrong bloody fuel in cars!?!?!/)

So while out I will venture to the shops, Lee's brothers kids are coming tomorrow and I haven't got the little boys pressie yet. Hard to buy for when you only see them once a year.

Better dig out the wellies!!!

I have a very sick sense of humour and as usual I have started to recieve texts and emails regarding the Ipswich murders.

Out of respect for the families I won't blog the email I have just got but it's a cracker if you want it emailing

What crap weather. Been pishing it down with rain since i got up. meant to be xmas shopping but can't be bothered.

Got James Morrison playing and am surfing the net! Oh a dress I put on Ebay is up to £33 with 6 hours to go...YAY!!!D

Have a listen:

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

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