Last night I stubbed my little toe. It bloody hurt and the words out of my mouth are not printable. This morning my foot was a nice shade of blue

The house is always full of people and the phone always ringing. I took Abi to the doctors yesterday and Ami's surprise baby is the talk of the village.

I think it all hit me last night and at 8.30pm I retired to my bed, tired and emotional. I woke this morning ready to take on the world.... However not ready to face the mountain of washing What a bloody time for the tumble drier to die on me.

Anyways... mum and babe are doing well, they head back to London on Monday. As Ami says, she needs to get on with it. Good news is they are house hunting in Sheffield and hope to move in the New Year.

Hard to believe Oskar is 1 today! He is having a great time and even decided to impress his guests by walking across the room!

I was this close!!!! This wasn't done by me, sadly I didn't take the camera (doh!)

Strange how random 40 something blokes are all donning the "weller cut" and think they look great

He started with Peacock Suit and ended with A town Called Malice, the concert was excellent, a great crowd, and I even forgive them for the chants.

I haven't chanted this since I was 16 years old, all together now

"We are the mods
We are the mods
We are, we are,
We are the mods!!"

Can't wait for the next tour!!

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as
long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a
year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no
answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would
perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed
an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted
the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess,
the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would
have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a
great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him.
The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she
appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self
only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to
show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an
old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day,
but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate
moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll
down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice
herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the
time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

Hello!!!

Despite my ticker saying it was 3 days to go (I have took the bugger off!!) Tonight I go to see the Modfather of Brit Pop!!

Yiiiipppppeeeeeee D

Will be back as and when I can as Vista has totally ballsed up our PC

Fat class this morning and I lost 2.5lb! Pleased with that as although that is a 2 week weight loss it includes a Pizza hut visit and the party on Saturday (Though I did only go to the table once and avoided the cakes!!)

Ami & Oskar are here to stay this week. They came up Saturday for the party, Ivo (daddy) comes up Thursday and we will take them home next Monday. It's great to spend some quality time with them !

Abi has had yet another Asthma attack at school today, I really am at a loss of what to do. There are building works going on so this will be constant. The school really panic and call me, by the time I get her home she has calmed down and another few puffs on the inhaler she is ok. I'm going to ask if the school has an asthma policy, apparently they should!

Went to the doctors and he said he is happy for me to work part time from home on condition I don't do too much and that I will tell him if it is too much. I've emailed my boss so we'll see what happens.

I have a medical next week to ensure I am really ill and actually need to be on benefits. obviously like most people on a £2k+ a month salary I felt the need to be off sick and live on £140 a fortnight state benefits! Apparently if the doctor decides I am fit to do any work (not just my job) he will stop my pittance of a benefit. I don't hold out much hope, a family member was assessed a few months ago and the report stated eyesight: perfect, erm,.... he's had a glass eye since he was 7 years old!!

Good thing is, I will be travelling from London on the morning of the medical so I will be at my worst, scary isn't it that i have to pray to be in the worst pain imaginable to ensure I get the benefits from a system I have paid into since I was 16!?!?!?

Anyhoo...... I feel a game of incy wincy spider coming on so catch you all later

This is a picture of my older brother Kev, on his wedding day to Siw, with her children Catrin & Gareth. Siw & Kev met on the internet 5 years ago and married this year. I'd like to thank Siw for making my brother very happy. It took him a while to find his soul mate but he found her with Siw and adores her two children.

Today at 2pm they fly to a new life in New Zealand.

Now, we're not a huggy, kissy family. In fact my dad commented he knew how ill he was when we kissed him every day! And I have to admit that since I was born, when Kevin was 7, he has made it his mission to be as annoying as hell. But he has always been there for me if I needed him.

Anyway, kev, when you read this, you might be the most annoying pilock in the world but you're our annoying pilock and we're going to miss you!!!!

Have a fantastic life in NZ and who knows, when my ship comes in I may get out to see you

Well it's Friday, what a week it's been. Started with being filled up with barium and spun like a washer and ended by being told, yes I have bleeding from my kidney, no it's not normal and that unless the bloodtests show any kidney failure they will not be investigating further. The pain may or may not be coming from my kidney but tests to determine the cause of my bleeding or pain could cause damage to my kidney and cause failure, the doctor doesn't want to take that chance. She wants me to be reffered to a pain clinic to make sure they manage my pain better and unless the six bottles of blood they took come back with anything of concern I will see her in January and she will provide me and my doctor with a plan to monitor my kidney function. She said the end diagnosis if we pushed for one would probably be "loin pain haematuria syndrome" like IBS is "it hurts but we're buggered if we know why"

I still have the bowel problem to be diagnosed but I think I need to accept that I have to get on top of the pain and get a life!

Anyhoo....

No fat class this week due to hospital, but considering Lee insisted we do pizza hut for tea I might have put on the 2lb i would have lost!!

The week has been taken up with constantly picking Abi up from school following Asthma attacks, she hasn't ever been this bad before and it is very scary for her. However i do think the school panic and call us too soon, by the time I pick her up (almost every day this week!) and get her home she is fine and bouncing of the walls with energy! The doctor has increased her steroids so we just need to watch her.

Matt, my son is 19 today (bless!) who would have thought that little boy born 6 weeks prem and almost dying in SCBU would turn out as he has. A 6ft 4in raving queen LOL!!! We love him to bits!!!

Tomorrow is party time, my brother his wife and two step children fly out for a new life in New Zealand on Monday so the WHOLE family are getting together. He lived in South Wales so we didn't see him often but it strange to think he will be t'other side of the world this time next week. Scary for mum and dad, as she says this will probably be the last time they see them and she wants to make the most of it

I plan to ditch the drugs and reaquaint myself with the old friend Stella and her mate vodka red bull!!!

Hope u have all had a good week and have plans for the weekend!

02 Broken Telephone

Be Good Tanyas From the album "Blue Horse"

I'll be the wind in your leaves
The warmth of the sun
I'm always drawing your colours
I'm always tracing your footsteps

It's a hard world it's a cold world
I could never say what I mean
I went looking in all the wrong places
There's nothing wrong with you

Broken telephone
The lines are down
The wires no longer reaching
Connection's gone

Higher and higher
I am taken by what you've given to me
Higher and higher
I am taken by what you've given to me
What you've given to me

I'll be the wind in your leaves
The warmth of the sun
I'm always drawing your colours
I'm always tracing your footsteps

It's a hard world it's a cold world
I could never say what I mean
I went looking in all the wrong places
There's nothing wrong with you

Broken telephone the lines are down
I throw myself at nothing
I throw myself at nothing

Higher and higher I am taken by
What you've given to me...

I got this on email this morning. It's about crystal meth but could be about any drug out there! My nephew became a drug addict at the age of 16, strating with pot and progressing, with the help of his dealer "friends" to heroin. His addiction was watched by my distraught sister as he spiraled into crime and eventually prison. He moved to another town and finally recieved the psychiatric care our town refused to give him. He was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.
He made friends with some people at the hospital and attended the local church. My happiest memeory is attending his baptism, when he had been drug free for a year.
I hope that the memory of A will prevent my children from ever wanting to do drugs, the eldest two saw him at his worst. I must admit this poem hit a note!

My Name: "Is TICK" I destroy homes, I tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold, The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember! I'm easily found, I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think, I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods, If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best, I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see, But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms, (your lungs,
and your nose).
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad, When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give, When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game, If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind, I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed, The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see, I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart, That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told, But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away, If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave, I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell, Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.

Mmmmmmm Made you look! You couldn't help yourself could you????

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel complete with note:

“Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the contents over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f***ing toffee apple!!!!!”

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar... and the coffee...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an emphatic "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things. Your family, your children, your faith, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter. Your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

As we are currently testing Windows Vista and cannot replace it due to it "losing" our disk drives, as well as the printer, this is especially true!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

As you all know by now I am more than familiar with visits to my GP, the bugger must be sick of the sight of me since March!

Hubby had xrays as the doc thinks he has a bit of charlie in his knees (arthritis) and the results were due today. As it was time for my usual doctor certificate, and the usual "ums and Ahhs" appointment we went together. I duly got up at 7.30 am to book the appointments online (beats speaking to the dragons on reception, who would have reacted as though I had requested the blood of their firstborn rather than a double appointment with the only doctor with a clue!)

Anyways, off we trot to the doctors and when the new fangled screen showed my hubbys name (I do miss numbers, with numbers you knew where you were in the queue and if the doctor was running late!) we traipsed into his room. I let hubby go first and he is now on a waiting list to see a specialist (bloody NHS) There is nothing on the x rays, but the GP says his knees creak so he may need physio or injections!

Then comes my turn. The doctor asks how I am and I say, same as usual, as the toilets were broke I couldn't present him my monthly wee sample, but he said as there had been blood present since March he doubted it had disapered. I then informed him of my latest "symptom" I am now getting horrendous pain in the joints of my fingers and toes. He asked when it started and in a bid to work out which day (they all seem the same on my drugs!!) I said to Lee "which morning did I have my tantrum" Lee answered "which one?" The doctor was in fits of hysterics and is now in no doubt that I need sectioning!!!
What I was actually reffering to was Weds morning when I hadn't had a wink of sleep due to pain in my side, my fingers and my toes I broke down in the kitchen as I was unable to make Abi's sarnies. I went to be pulled the quilt over my head and cried for an hour. Lee gave me the phone and told me to call the doctor to which I screamed "what the F**king hell for, it's a waste of time and he's no use" I stayed in bed until lee came back during work to check on me!
I have to admit my illness is havibng an adverse effect on my moods but I didn't think I was that bad!!
Anyways, yet agian the doc is baffled. Possibly I have rhumatoid arthritis (but no swelling?) Gout ??? a sign my kidneys aren't working correctly or it's something viral. After discussing with my GP we have decided to wait and see. I see the kidney specialist next Friday so he will be doing shedloads of bloods and to be honest I couldn't be arsed to be messed about! If it's not connected to my pain I'm really not interested (does that sound strange?)

Anyway on a lighter note! Please do not read on if you have just or are about to eat!
Ami called me on Weds and asked "can you die from eating poo?" I asked "why who has eaten poo?" "well it's not me she replied!" My 11 month old grandson, Oskar, who had been napping had woken up and decided to strip. He has a habit of doing it so she normally puts pull up nappies on him! He had got his dirty nappy off and when she heard him laughing she went into the bedroom to find him, his bedding and the cot, covered in poo. He had handfuls of the stuff and was happily munching away. She whisked him up and dumped him in the bath running the shower over him. He was most distressed! not at the shower, but at the fact that she had taken his snack away!!

Yuck! One to tell the girls when he is 18!!!

I got this on an email, the email states it is a true story (aren't they all) However I liked it so much I wanted to share!

This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England.

A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.

Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded.
"You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Be calm please," the hostess replied.
"Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class.
I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the Business Class.
All the same, we still have one place in the First Class."
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued.
"It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class.
However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be
scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would
like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."
At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had
just witnessed, stood up and applauded.

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Thursday morning.
Epicentre: Barnsley, England.

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "choffinnorah".
The earthquake decimated the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio Barnsley reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Barnsley.
One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.
So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sports socks

Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.
Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.
Please do not give anything that requires peeling.

Remember:

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims

£2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food. Bones for Jack Russells

Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause discontent in the surrounding South Yorkshire communities.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regime of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew youhad.

Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine (also available in Red).

WARNING
White Wine may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration,
erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of
money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, a desire to sing Karaoke, play
all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering whenyou are not.
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
The consumption of White Wine may cause pregnancy.

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris ..

10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

18. All single women have a cat.

19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it

Those winter nights will fly by!!!

Good afternoon all

Weigh in today and I lost 3lb

Not been around much, as, despite taking enough drugs to kill a horse the pain has been unbearable!

Nothing much happened in the Rotherham household. Lee has returned to work after his 18 days off, which is sad as I had got used to having him around, even his moods!

The kitchen is 1/2 done, we ran out of money. Being off sick is a huge strain on the budget so hoping to be diagnosed, cured and back to work by christmas (notice i didn't say which!)

It seems we have a scientist in our midst! Abi had her review at school last week and got a 6C for science. The 6 represents what Level she would be expected to get if she took her SAT's now. Considering a 14 year old is expected to average a 5 I am well impressed (abi is 11) The C means she is at the lower end of the level but we ain't looking at that. She achieved 4's in all her core subjects and the odd 3 thrown in for PE, RE etc.. Considering how nervous she was in September when she moved to "big school" she really is finding her feet.

Oh well, got the beautician coming to dye my eyelashes (I'm not girly enough to "do" mascara) so I'd better try to clean up. At least the drugs are working today

Above is a picture of my niece Lucy dressed traditionally to celebrate Shichi Go San. Although born in london, Lucy and her parents recently moved back to live in Tokyo. Her mother is japanese and her father is English

Isn't she cute!?